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<title>but i know. by heatdeath (aphelion)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29887062">but i know.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphelion/pseuds/heatdeath'>heatdeath (aphelion)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Half-Life, Portal (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Gen, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2012-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2012-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:54:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29887062</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphelion/pseuds/heatdeath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A very old drabble collection, based off a meme where the goal was to set your playlist to shuffle and write one short fic for each song that played.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Chell/GLaDOS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>but i know.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="inner">
<p></p><div class="entry-content"><p><br/>
<a id="cutid1" name="cutid1"></a>hawaii dream - mew<br/>
<i>"i'm tired, let's wash away."</i></p>
<p>at the age of eight the girl is rambunctious. isaac insists it's healthy — eli just shakes his head, whiskered cheeks wrinkled with the curve of a smile. judith's exasperation is tempered by her affection. they could all be okay like this. but the girl is precocious, too. she has questions that need answered.</p>
<p>judith parts only with the facts, and alyx doesn't ask her often. the thin line of judith's lips tell her all she needs to know about what she won't say.</p>
<p>issac wends through reminiscences endlessly and relives every word that he speaks, but eventually runs out of memories that he's willing to return to.</p>
<p>her father, though — he weaves his truths like great fiction.</p>
<p>and sometimes, when eli speaks, it's hard to remember that it isn't.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>flume - bon iver<br/>
<i>"only love is all maroon."</i></p>
<p>sometimes chell wakes up with her heart in a vice-grip, an icy cold hand in her chest with its fingers curled around living muscle and her head filled with rough cotton. it keeps her from remembering where she is.</p>
<p>sometimes nothing shakes the feeling that something is slightly off, the world spinning at an imperceptible off-course degree, angled to meet face-to-face with the sun in one last, spectacular show. she knows it's just a feeling — that the only thing wrong is inside her head — but knowing doesn't clear the cotton from her skull or pull the fingers out from where they're wedged behind her breastbone.</p>
<p>sometimes chell wakes up without any recollection of ever buying an apartment with plush carpeting and painted walls. sometimes she wishes she could sleep forever, and do without the waking up.</p>
<p>sometimes — just sometimes — she wakes up expecting white tile, heart torn clean from her ribcage.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>robophobia - electric president<br/>
<i>"they say they don't need things that we still need."</i></p>
<p>she laughs, but she isn't happy.</p>
<p>she watches chell squirm in her sleep like she's being pinned down by the thumb and forefinger of an invisible giant, or the weight of the world.</p>
<p>she knows it's wrong to spy on her like this — she had since the very start of it, when she realized how terrifyingly easy it would be and subsequently was unable to muster up the self-control to keep herself from indulging. she doesn't care. she knows what she's doing.</p>
<p>the vision of chell's fine features lined and haggard was supposed to be a treat — a delicacy. it's more like driving a knife into fresh scar tissue.</p>
<p>she could stop, but if she lets the scar heal over she might forget it entirely. it's a ritual, now. it's a token of affection. she could be a martyr for herself, but she knows she can't really save anything. she knows the equation — hurt and be hurt. another lawless, endless cycle.</p>
<p>she laughs because it's funny. this is all very ironic. it's as though they set her up for this, the carefully constructed joke that happens to be her life.</p>
<p>in the end, she's only human.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>helicopter (whitey version) - bloc party<br/>
<i>"are you hoping for a miracle? it's not enough."</i></p>
<p>they stay longer at barney's rooftop retreat than they'd planned, but they both need a rest before they can continue. gordon props himself against the far wall when alyx sprawls between two rebels and leans her head back against the peeling paint.</p>
<p>it takes no more than ten seconds of the lull for barney to pull him aside and into an abandoned bathroom. he calls over his shoulder, "i'll have him back to you in no more than five minutes. it's nothin' crucial, don't worry." in the way of an explanation, and then presses gordon bodily to the chipped, tiled wall. he lowers his voice. "alright. five minutes. think that gives us enough time?" his lips tug into a smile when gordon laughs. he can feel it in his own chest, through armor and his padded uniform.</p>
<p>but it doesn't last before the sounds from outside begin to creep in again, and his lips go slack. barney rests his forehead on a padded shoulder and doesn't flinch when careful fingers fit to the back of his neck.</p>
<p>five minutes come and go. gordon says goodbye by saying nothing at all.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>rhineland (heartland) - beirut<br/>
<i>"no, but there's nowhere to go."</i></p>
<p>she sits outside and watches the world end.</p>
<p>she doesn't go back inside until she finds herself coughing black soot into her hands. glados finds her collapsed on the floor of the elevator, a thin frame of wasting skin and bone. she presses a respirator to her mouth, fills her lungs with fresh oxygen until she sputters awake, eyes and mouth leaking. she wipes the dust from her cheeks and stands.</p>
<p>"do you want to watch it? because you can. the security cameras are still set up, you know."</p>
<p>she shakes her head, coughs, and wipes her mouth again on the back of her wrist. in the intervening silence she sits beneath glados's monolithic body and pulls her knees to her chest before bowing her head. she can hear each breath rattle in her throat and congeal in safety within her ribcage.</p>
<p>everything has to end eventually.<br/>
</p></div></div>
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